The End and Beyond

An apathetic society, a hypocritical populous and a cynical youth. Even though we see so much improvement in the way we function, we are yet to find ourselves. We have begun to see our strengths and accept our weaknesses. But thinking about sustainable change that will last for generations to come, this model of reactive behaviour will not work. We find ourselves crumbling back to the ground every time we try to climb up the ladder. And this has killed most of our dreams. But, we need to hope again. Because in hope lies our future. The one that so much of our past defines and expects.

Set out to only be the facilitator or enabler of a sustainable lifestyle for the students who are the key to the future, I found myself taken aback by someone I would have least expected, myself, only a much younger version. Looking at him, I realised the major issue within our education system. He had the will and the skill, but the lack of access and exposure limited him to the extent of crippling his mind. As I looked at my mirror image, I could not help but notice the stark difference in the external environment around us. What he and all other kids need is the right, enabling environment that motivates them to push themselves. Only then, can we see sustainable change, because external motivation might after all be only temporary. I could see the shackled potential within every single kid. They had to be broken.

Having completed my stint with those kids, I am proud of what I left behind. Even though I haven’t made a major impact, created sustainable growth or anything close to what I aspire to do back in the city in two years, I know I have created something very subtle, something that can grow into a better future, something very elemental for development, the want to seek answers. They may not openly question right now, they may not stand up for what they want, but I know for a fact that in their tiny powerhouses, they have started looking for reasons.

Any external change that needs to be brought out must begin with internal change. I cannot be a doctor sewing up wounds if I am ill myself. My biggest drawback is my cynical attitude towards others. I cannot fathom personal connection with fellow humans for something as trivial as saying good morning and meaning it. I am a closed book which opens only after years of trust building. But, if I expect my kids and their parents to approach me with problems and/or suggestions, I must first be an empty cup. I cannot carry the baggage of cynicism when it comes to shaping the future of so many students. So I put myself in the open, stood my ground and watched almost every page of my book being read by people I hardly knew. It was not a very comforting position to be in, but my purpose kept me going. I think I came out of the ordeal knowing a little more, about myself and about others. Though I cannot say I am now an open book, I can for sure say that it takes me a lot lesser time now to build a relationship.

This one month has given me things the rest of my life couldn't, an intellectual space. I always felt chained when it comes to ideas and thoughts. I never rallied out in the open vocally. Very few even wanted to listen to what I had to say. It is not a very great feeling to have nobody listen when you have so much to say. But this institute, the people I met and the structures put up, gave me freedom. I owe it to every single person I met. Whether it was only a glance or a chat through the night, everybody contributed to this joy that I obtained. I made friends here who not only supported me but also appreciated my work. Behind all the jokes they cracked on me, behind all the anger they threw on me, behind all the sarcasm they sometimes expressed, I felt the spark of friendship ignite. Friendship that was emotional as much as it was intellectual. We gossiped and discussed the world, we played and worked, we made fun and gave serious advices, we were best of friends. The more they knew me, the more flaws they found, the more they listened, the more insensitive my words felt, but they endured (tolerated rather), they probably saw through my crass remarks. And I love them for it. It is not often that you meet people who are on the same page as you on so many things. And when you find them, it would just be plain stupid, to let go. They taught me things I wouldn't have dared learn, they pushed me to do things I wouldn't have dared to, above all, they stopped to understand me and that to me, changed everything!

I now struggle to connect with people who did not go through this experience. I fail miserably at making conversations. When I see a book or a toy, I think about how I can use it for my kids back in the city. When I discuss something with friends, I think of the friends I made in the institute and how they would react. I am no more living in the present, I am very consciously thinking of all the things I will do and talk about when I am back with the friends I made. Even though I am quite practical, I cannot reason with myself to snap out of it and live in the now. I miss the people, I miss the experience, I miss the freedom because I for the first time, lived!