As I draw close to the end of my journey I cannot help but to think about what I am leaving behind. Have I really made any difference? Have I achieved something? Have I laid foundation to something else? What is it that I will be remembered for here? An eerie silence is what I get back when I ask myself these questions!
The journey has been nuanced and complex, the experience so valuable but not entirely explainable. I don't think I will ever be able to capture everything I've learnt or done because its more about what I have come out as. Like Stephen King said, "There are no maps of change. You either come out on the other side or you don't." But my doubts are beyond me, they are about the things I'm leaving behind. Most importantly, the kids.
I have never thought of myself as having been a great teacher, I probably wasn't either. But what I did do was put these children on a different life path in terms of how they function. I removed those tiny barriers that held them back from exploring, questioning, experiencing, moving, and above all, deciding for themselves! I gave them a sense of wonder about the world we live in, I gave them a reason to value their learning. I gave them a purpose to figure out for themselves, I gave them the support they sought. And beyond that, I have shown given hope that things are turning for the better for all of them.
Despite all that, the uncertainty of the future still looms large over their tiny heads. Their parents might have to move, their finances may come to naught, they may get chronically ill, the next teacher may not come at all, the school might have a reshuffle, the environment might change, the opportunities may be taken away. I could go on forever. The sheer amount of variables involved here makes me weak in the knees. I cannot even imagine what will be the case for kids with even more inequities hampering their growth.
But what plagues me most is the fact that if heaven forbid, something does hinder them and they get shackled again, will it be my fault too? Because there is nothing worse than signing someone up for a huge crush after giving them hope. Hope is the only weapon they have today to walk this path that is riddled with obstacles and I live in the fear now that it might be taken away once I leave. May be I'm just having some kind of emotional breakdown, but, just, what if?
I guess there is nothing else I could do but use the same weapon I gave my kids, hope!
You have so very well voiced the thoughts of many of the TFI Fellows !
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