Adaptation is an evolutionary trait
in all life forms! But it doesn't explain why and how life on a daily basis cannot
adapt to the changing environment, relations, situations and above all, idea of
self! What makes up an ideal transition into a "new" life?
Throughout the 3 hour flight to Delhi, I
was both anxious and excited. Excited because what I had been wanting to do for
12 years, was waiting for me. Anxious because, well, what if I'm not ready?
What if I don't fit in? What if I had made a wrong choice? What if the 12 year me
was wrong? As I stepped foot onto the hard ground, the first thing to hit me was
of course the heat. But then, indifference took over! I was travelling with
colleagues who I had barely been introduced to. I had no clue what lay ahead at
the company retreat (yes, that’s how I got to start my new job) and to be
honest I didn't even try to find out. I was still getting over the fellowship
and the insane heat (that I've never been used to). Squeezing myself into a cab
with the others, I stared at the road ahead and gave directions to the driver
to keep myself busy to avoid coming across as impolite or rude.
I've been in this kind of situation
once before, I could take it again of course. I walked around introducing
myself to everyone but at the back of my head lay an unfounded fear, some
discomfort that I didn't understand. The day began with much fanfare, moving on
to more serious conversations with some big names from different sectors. I was
of course in awe of the proximity of these stalwarts to me but then again, I
wasn't just present fully. One of them spoke about the nuances of emerging
journalism and the other about people and teams. Who dare help me find and sort
what lay inside me though? As the day passed I forced myself to socialize
because obviously not doing so is plain wrong. There's no second thought about it.
Nevertheless, it probably was too obvious I was a little uncomfortable being
there and I decided it was time to call it a day!
The next day turned out to be a
little better in the sense that I got to sit and update myself on the projects
varying from areas I probably would never have heard of. I stuck to my comfort
zone and stayed with people I already had been acquainted with. I didn't want
to take risks with the mind space I was in. But slowly I was to see how each
and every one was better qualified and better equipped to be in this field that
I have touted to be my dream for over a decade. Things were shattering inside
my head, the conviction, the clarity, the confidence! The one thing that got me till here was
giving up, my self-belief!
I
strode up and down in my head trying to salvage the situation. My heart paced
its way ahead of my mind. The AC didn’t allow a sweat but I was tired and
drained out! But I had to keep up, there was no room for slacking and so I put
up a calm and composed face and played along with all the jokes, the
conversations, the discussions and the socialization. Late into the night, I
would give in to all this turmoil. It started with a stray conversation, I didn't pay much attention to what I was saying. I had far more pressure that I felt
inside which needed focus. I ended up divulging with something that bordered on
unacceptable information. By the time I realized what I had spoken, it was too
late. Maybe I overstepped a line, maybe it was okay or maybe it didn't mean
anything. I felt like I was being “bracketed” in all the minds that received this
piece of information. A highly pressured gate of frustration had been opened in
my head. It was too late to do anything but when has the mind ever listened to
that? I had to let it be. I had to detach. Easier said than done!
The
following few days were spent over-thinking, re-imagining and chastising myself.
Maybe my doubts from the other day were true, maybe I just wasn't ready to move
on! I remembered what someone said to me the previous night, “nobody will get you but you’ll get through!”
It made sense but it wasn't of any help. Days passed just sticking to routines
of travel, work and sleep. Lack of focus made me late to work which has never
happened ever before, it slowed my senses, it messed up my appetite and it
probably has done more which I don’t even see. To add to it, I was trying to keep
up with people far beyond me. I've always cherished such a situation because it
pushes me faster and helps me learn but this time around, it was taking a toll
one step at a time! Trusting people with myself was something I had set out to
work on a few years ago and had come a long way but now I'm not quite sure what
is happening!
How
do I fix something I don’t understand? How do I undo the things I did? Have I
underestimated my attachment to the life bygone? Have I misunderstood what I
want? How do I adapt once again to this change? Have I lost myself? Or is this how you find oneself? Maybe I'm fighting
in vain? The thing that keeps me going though is my faith in the possibility
of a better tomorrow! A faith that holds together the entire world should at
the very least be able to hold my erratic and tiny mind (?)
Comments
Post a Comment