Sacrifices - A Relook

“He who would accomplish little must sacrifice little; he who would achieve much must sacrifice much; he who would attain highly must sacrifice greatly”- James Allen

I have always been at peace with the fact that I have and will have to forgo a lot in order to achieve what I wish to. It starts with a party you wanted to attend with a few friends, moves on to a wedding of a close relative, then on to some material comforts, further along to some relationships you built over years and before you know it you reach a phase where you’re efficiently maneuvering life’s obstacles in order to maintain the focus on your aspirations, on “what matters most!”

When Gandhi sailed to India after his stint in Africa, did he realize that he will one day have to sacrifice everything he has, including his life, just to ensure freedom? Was he okay with it? There’s no way of knowing. But questions like these and stories such as his have always inspired me to strive harder. To take the pain because there’s something bigger to be achieved. To endure, because if not you, then who? And I have. 

I have ruthlessly cut out things that hinder progress. I’ve lead a minimalist life style to ensure there’s no “distraction”. Built a structure around that helped me, that aided this process. Given all of this, I do believe I have achieved, I have scaled heights I couldn’t have imagined existed even a year ago. Some of these achievements give you satisfaction, some happiness, some pride and some inspiration! Of course, achievement is a subjective word here but you feel what you feel, there’s no changing that. Now with each step you take, you analyze how you can move forward, faster this time. It excites you, it matters to you because all your life you’ve dreamt of being here, it was meant to be!

Through the process, a lot slips through the cracks. Some you care about, some you don’t but you always know that this is what you signed up for. There’s no room for comfort, no room for compromise! I reached a point where I prided myself upon the sacrifices I made. I boasted about the ability to maintain focus, to deliver, to succeed despite odds. Rightfully so! Or was it?

One morning I wake up to a call, a message and later in the day a short chat. That’s all it took for 25 years of life to come to a standstill. That’s all! For all the achievements, for all the structures, for all the processes, for all the sacrifices, to mean nothing compared to where I stood. I’m good at crisis management, it comes naturally! So I switched. I tried. Thud! On my face. Perseverance is my strongest feature. I got up, and ran as hard as I could. Baam! Head on. In a span of few days, events brought me to a place of no return!

What I had cut out mercilessly in order to move ahead, now sought some vengeance. Everything that had slipped through the cracks was only decaying the ground beneath my feet, making it weaker. With nowhere to turn to I delved into myself. I tried hard to find a silver lining. I fought the pain to think straight. To maintain focus, on “what actually matters most”.  To try and reconcile my past with my present.

What I have come to realize is that achieving is not everything. Sacrifices are not something to pride on. Effort and energy on something does not always have to mean compromising aspirations. All this while, I jumped from one place to another, one friend to another, one mind-set to another, finding solace in where it felt most comfortable, where it was most easy to disregard other things and focus. Where I could revel in the fact that I had sacrificed, while I only had run away! Run away because it now took effort to sustain, run away because it did not conform to my world view, run away because something else was more comfortable, run away because at the heart of it all, I fear that without any achievement, I mean nothing! Just because somewhere else gives me comfort at the moment, does not mean that it is a better option, the right option. It only means that I run when it gets hard. That I achieve only when it’s easy.

 What use is an achievement if you can’t enjoy telling the tale? What use is the focus if it actually is only creating a divide between you and the world? What use is the comfort that doesn’t sustain and makes you bleed ever so often? Whatever may be the answers to my problems, however long it might have to last, wherever it may have to take me, I will have to focus this time on the right things. I will have to focus on certain things in my life in order to sustain, in order to keep me going. One of my seniors once said to me, “Sacrifice does not mean you kill everything. It means you are satisfied with what keeps you going”